Possessiveness in a relationship is the desire to dominate or control every aspect of your partner. It may be with regard to friendships and relationships, jobs, hobbies, or even programs that can be watched on TV. It can lead to coercive control of the other person, making the victim afraid to oppose such behavior or do what she wants to do. Possessiveness is commonly attributed to men. But there are many women who also like to keep their husbands in a vice-like grip. Probably the term ‘hen-pecked’ reflects this attitude.
Signs of Possessiveness
• Controlling a spouse so that she cows down and submits to his wishes.
• Unfounded suspicion of her activities, who she meets, and with whom she talks. Not just her interaction with the opposite sex but even female friendships are suspect.
• Frequent phone calls to check on her activities.
• Socializing with friends is totally prohibited.
• Selfishness with no consideration for the likes or dislikes of his spouse.
• Spying on her movements through private detectives.
Reasons for Possessiveness
1. Insecurity: Growing up in troubled families, deprivation of love in childhood, desertion by parents may have created a deep-seated insecurity. He, therefore, wants to hold on tightly to his ‘possession.’
2. Lack of trust in the spouse.
3. Inferiority Complex: A spouse may be better educated, and better qualified. She may be holding an important job and drawing a fabulous salary.
4. Borderline or acute personality disorders: Those who suffer from Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorders are prone to insecurity and possessiveness.
5. Egocentricity and selfishness. He cannot think beyond his own comforts.
6. Jealousy may be covert or open.
7. When love becomes an addiction, the love object becomes an obsession.
Effects on the victim
– Frustration and resentment against the intimidating spouse.
– May retreat socially or vocationally.
– Self-deprecation and loss of self-esteem.
– Depression.
– Desire to escape from the spouse’s clutches.
How to prevent possessiveness:
The two most important elements that are required for a stable relationship are Love and Trust. This calls for a proper understanding of the different roles of spouses in a relationship. Individual differences must be respected. Though the marriage commitment does supersede some individual rights, it should not destroy all individual rights. Each one must have the freedom to develop personal skills and interests. Spouses should be allowed to have friends of the same gender.
Each individual needs physical and mental space if they are to function to full capacity. One spouse cannot be an extension of the other. There should be time for friends and time for hobbies. However, there must be mutual agreement on how much time can be spent on separate activities. Time spent apart does not drive them away from each other. Each little absence from the beloved makes the heart grow fonder.
Generosity allows partners to take genuine delight in the success of their partners. They should encourage and mutually support each other.
How to overcome possessiveness
• Discover the root of your insecurity. Do you have an inferiority complex about your background or your job?
• Are you afraid of losing ownership of your spouse? Communicate your feelings and fears to your partner and clear the matter. You’ll find that your fears are unfounded.
• For any relationship to survive and grow, there must be mutual trust and open communication.
• Overcome selfishness and give your spouse space to grow.
• Remember that possessiveness is a terrible form of abuse. It cannot be called love. “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (I Cor. 13:6).
• Though marriage is a legal bond it does not mean enslavement of the spouse.
• Seek professional help and counseling.
Advice for the Victimized
– Don’t expect others to fight your battles. Confront your spouse, and retrieve your distinct identity.
– Don’t tolerate abuse in any form. Better to end a destructive relationship.
Khalil Gibran author/ philosopher leaves us with this thought:
“Let there be spaces between your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
Relationships take time to develop. They should be strengthened and nurtured by love and patience, commitment, and trust. Possessiveness leads to manipulation through intimidation, coercion, or even seduction, so that the offender can have his way. Someone compared manipulation to witchcraft. Be it a husband or a wife, one has no full authority to control another.
